Just when it seemed like the years of parading world superstars like Michael Jackson in front of the Fulham faithful and leaving the high court in stitches with his comments about ex-MPs were behind him, Mohammed al-Fayed has proved that he's still got a Harrods hamper's full of entertainment still in him.

A very official looking statement appeared on the Fulham Football Club website today, following various stories that the Egyptian was planning on selling the club. I was expecting to read a dour statement that the stories were unfounded and that the Harrods owner was fully committed to the club. What I got was a statement that would have left Christine Hamilton lost for words.

Fayed begins by claiming Fulham are the best club in the world (possibly), have the best team in the world (Fulham are eighth at the moment) and that they have the best fans (I'm one of them so I won't comment on that). He then goes on to address the "naughty" rumours. This is where it gets interesting.

The Fulham chairman calls the people who run the Premier League and FA "donkeys", explains that Premier League clubs are being robbed by Rupert Murdoch and co and then goes on to offer the most bizarre invitation I've ever heard: "I speak my mind, and other chairmen should too. They need to wake up from their coma and join me in this fight with the Premier League and the FA. In fact, they can come and have lunch with me at Harrods, where I can serve them stags' testicles from my Scottish estate, Balnagown. We all need big balls in this business."

Maybe we shouldn't be surprised by his comments. This is the man who called Prince Philip a Nazi, Camilla a crocodile and the Royals "That Dracula Family".

Richard Scudamore, the chairman of the Premier League, was once asked about allegations of selfishness. He said: "Whose lunch have we stolen? Greed to me is if there are four cakes on the table and one person scoffs the lot. How can that allegation be made about the Premier League?" If I was Richard Scudamore I wouldn't be stealing al-Fayed's lunch that's for sure - especially when you look at what's on the menu.

Picture: Michael Jackson pictured at the division two match between Fulham and Wigan in 1999 (Getty Images)

This week's Champions League has produced the unexpected. Who would have guessed that the Liverpool v Chelsea tie would produce so many goals, that United would control Porto in the second leg or that Arsenal would triumph over Villarreal without the slightest hint of a scare?

The week has left me lost. While I'm no Mark Lawrenson, I like to think I've got a decent grasp when it comes to forecasting what's likely to happen in upcoming matched. What a fool I looked as I left work on Tuesday, explaining to a colleague that the game at Stamford Bridge would be a damp squib!

Despite all this, while watching this week's games, there were some nuggets of predictability - a few morsels that suggest I haven't completely lost my bearings in this fabulous week of football.

As always, Cristiano Ronaldo spent much of United's victory over Porto on the floor. But have you ever noticed he will always pull his socks up after being fouled? Is it possible that the poor lad has taken the advice after some recent poor performances a bit too literally?

Arsene Wenger continues to produce the lamest of celebrations among the managerial world. His double fist pumping is really quite poor. Although I do like the way you can gage his satisfaction by watching how high his fists come up. Here's a prediction: If you see Wenger's arms a full 90 degrees from the side of his body, pumping at approximately 110mph, Arsenal have just won the European Cup.

Then there's Benitez's note-taking reaction to a goal. Torres will ping one into the back of net and rather than the Ferguson-esque moshing among the back room staff, Benitez takes off the lid to his biro and scribbles a couple of notes. What's he writing? 'Nice goal'? Hit ball harder'? Come on Rafa, lighten up.

The final moment of predictability on show during the week was Frank Lampard's Pat tribute. The old pointing to the skies celebration. Really it's quite touching, but as a Fulham fan, I'd rather read Mark Lawrenson's prediction column on the BBC.

So Arsene Wenger's yet to make an appointment with the optician it would seem.

Speaking about last night's 'spitting' incident the Professor claimed to know nothing: "There was no incident," Wenger said. "I haven't seen anything. You ask me what I have seen and I have seen nothing." Like the time you didn't spot Bergkamp stamp on Blackburn defender Nils-Eric Johansson or various other times you happened to have been looking the wrong way?

Yet Wenger remains a mystery because he's able to see some things that no-one else can. He was quite sure that Arsenal's clearly off-side goal deserved to stand. In fact, he even thought Arsenal should have been awarded two goals! "It is not offside because the ball was deflected by the fist of the goalkeeper," Wenger said. "(Johan) Djourou first, the goalkeeper after, then a foul on Gallas. Penalty. We should have got two goals."

It really was a fiery night at the Emirates. Phil 'The Tan' Brown was furious, particularly by Wenger's refusal to shake his hand after the match. How dare you Mr Wenger! If you're new to football, the refusal to shake another manager's hand at the final whistle is comparable to stealing an Irishman's Guinness on St Patricks Day - a definite no no.

One thing that Wenger did get right was his complaint that Hull were wasting time. I watched Hull a couple of weeks ago down at Craven Cottage and they were dreadful. From the first minute they looked to nonchalantly kick the ball away or 'accidentally' give it to the wrong person in order to eat up any time that they could. It made for a dreadful match and based on this (and the fact Hull stole Jimmy Bullard from us), I just wish it had been 'The Tan' that was on the end of that Fabregas special!

There is a plague crossing our shores, threatening the good nature of our national game and spoiling Saturday afternoons up and down the country. The threat I speak of is that of the boo-boys.

Whenever I watch football at the weekend I hear the pure sound of negativity ringing around me. It seems that whenever I pick up the paper I read about this player upset with getting booed or that manager tearing his hair out at the expectations of supporters. Just what's going on?

There was once a time when the boo-boys were happy taking their anger out on the judging panels of cheap ITV talent shows. But then they wanted more. They are now regularly found at the Emirates stadium, particularly when Emmanuel Eboué is in the starting line-up. There is no doubt that the problem is spreading.

One of the worst things about this expansion of the boo-boy movement is the sheer negativity of it all, what with all the booing. Aren't things crap enough in this country without one of our few remaining escapes being dragged down to this level?

The fear we must all share is the unwillingness of the boo-boys to yield to reason. Once upon a time the boos were saved for genuine reasons, like Ashley Cole, but this season we have seen Liverpool booed for going top of the league! Even pleas to resist from the likes of Arsene Wenger and Fabio Capello have either been ignored or quickly forgotten.

While it's not exactly the ice-caps melting, the confidence of this good nation's footballers is evaporating faster than Dwain Chambers after being let loose in a pharmacy, and that is a travesty we all have to bear.

Some say going nuclear is a step too far but I say, for the good of the national game, we must do what we must if we want rid of the boo-boys.

Yes, I'm well aware that headline is dreadful but looking around today's papers it could be worse. Here's some of the best (or worst depending on how you look at it) headlines today:

The Sun went with, 'The King and i-Pod'. The Guardian meanwhile wrote, 'United keep their iPod on the ball' while The Age went with a lazy 'Cup hero Ben is the apple of United's iPod'. All pretty useless, but Ben Foster's idea of watching previous penalties taken by Tottenham players on his iPod was nothing short of brilliant.

We in England have a tendency to think of penalties as a 50/50 contest, the winners pre-destined by the football gods before a kick has even been taken. When are we going to wake up to the facts?

Foster's study of previous Tottenham shoot-outs undoubtedly gave him an advantage. It proved that penalties are not 'a lottery', something which was stated by Tottenham legend Gary Mabbutt just this morning, even in hindsight of Manchester United's victory.

In past international tournaments, England have not even bothered to practice penalty kicks - the argument being that you can't recreate the pressure of the moment. It's not a bad argument but surely it can't do any harm. England's woeful record in the spot-kicks department is evidence enough that if you don't practice, you can be quite sure it won't help your cause.

Fabio Capello seems like a man of reason; let us hope that he has the sense to put his faith in i-pods, rather than the gods.

Step aside Delia, Manchester United have entered the world of cookery.

A new series on MUTV, Red Devil's Kitchen, pits United's star players against one another in a Masterchef style format.

Patrice Evra was first up in the kitchen, preparing lobster ravioli. 'It wasn't easy but I'm very happy' the Frenchman said.

But what culinary delights can we expect to see on a football based cookery programme?

Here's a couple of idea:

Roy Keane's Prawn Sandwich - Serves 1
Recipe: Take two pieces of bread, put some prawns in between and then f**k off.

Sir Alex's Red Wine Gravy - Intoxicates 2
Recipe: Stir gravy granules into boiling water until thick. Add entire bottle of Jose Mourinho's £300 wine.

Arsene Wenger's Pizza Pie - embarrasses 1
Recipe: Buy ready made pizza and cook for appropriate time. Take aim and throw at Alex Ferguson.

So just what is it Manchester United are 'chasing' this year?

Is it a quadrology, quadrilogy or simply a quad? Or if we choose to count their World Champions crown as part of this season, we're entering the frightening realm of the quints.

No-one seems to quite know. I have a suspicion that us in the media are just making up words.

But on a more serious note, if United are to win the quintopulet - is it time to change the playing field?

Watching Manchester United this season is like playing Fifa or Pro Evolution Soccer.

It's great when you get the latest version of the game. You master the new tricks, see if the makers have judged your team's star player fairly (just for the record - Danny Murphy should be way better on Pro Evo) and steadily learn to play in a style that can only be described as Arsene Wenger's lurid fantasy.

After a while you have to up the game to the highest level - but over time - even that just isn't hard enough. You begin to give yourself ridiculous tasks, like score 50 goals in a season with your left back or, like United in the real world, try to win every single trophy in a season.

Before you know it, it gets a bit boring - you need a new challenge. Now, that's not a problem in the virtual world. You simply busy yourself with rebuilding your social life after spending far too long with your Xbox until the new version comes out - but in the real world, where do you go?

I think the 39th game idea sounds daft - but if United really can win the quadcepleplet, it might just be time for some sort of a change.

Some people are getting a bit excited by the prospect of Manchester United winning an unprecedented quadruple. At the moment, I must admit they look capable of anything. When they've needed to call on their youngsters or their ageing stars they've delivered, what United have is strength in reserve.

Sadly the same can't be said of their closest title rivals. The clip below shows Liverpool reserves taking on Everton earlier this week.


Does anyone remain in doubt about where the title is going this season?

If you could meet anyone before you die, who would it be? Well, Jose Mourinho of course!

This is the dying wish of a man from Sarajevo. He's been campaigning through Youtube and his blog in a bid to meet The Special One before he dies.

So far the Inter Milan manager has ignored the requests, and mirsoooo2009 (as he's known on YouTube) is getting desperate. He's already said he will commit suicide if he doesn't meet The Special One, but he has now taken things even further, as this video proves.

It does at least seem that mirsoooo2009 might share some things in common with Jose. He lists his occupation on YouTube as 'football tactics' and his interests and hobbies as, er, 'football tactics'. Where their conversation might go from there is unclear - mirsoooo2009 does not state whether he has any knowledge on the subjects of fine wine, or animal quarantine standards for that matter.

In the words (nearly) of Austin Powers, "Who throws a sock?". Well, Liverpool supporters apparently.

This was the strange goings-on at Goodison Park last night, as the traditional missiles such as coins and bottles were substituted for rolled up socks.

I just couldn't figure it out as I watched ITV bugger up their coverage. Why throw a sock?

Were certain sections of the crowd attempting to accelerate Rafa Benitez's decline into insanity? Were supporters stripping their clothes off in order to handle the 'simmering' action before their eyes? Well no - it turns out that some scousers were abusing their bitter enemies - er, scousers.

Apparently, the socks were thrown to taunt Everton 'sock robbers'. These are Kirkby residents who steal socks from clothes lines to keep their fingerprints off of the cars they steal. Kirkby, of course, is the proposed location of Everton's new stadium.

I'm not sure what's more ironic - Liverpool supporters abusing people from Liverpool, or that Everton's goal was interrupted by a car advertisement.

As expected, the FA rescinded Frank Lampard's red card yesterday, and rightly so.

It was clear to all who saw the incident during Liverpool's 2-0 victory over Chelsea that the red card issued to Lampard was a lousy decision.

Yet, while the FA were able to go back and amend this refereeing error, a ludicrous directive from Fifa means that the horrendous incident involving Jose Bosingwa cannot be reappraised.

( Read more... )

England's great leader was treated to an erotic dance on an Italian television show, but he looked rather uncomfortable and not best pleased at the site of the scantily clad beauty.

We can be quite sure that Sven Goran Eriksson would have reacted rather differently if he had been on the show. The frisky Swede bedded more women during his time as national manager than England scored goals, a feat that earned him the love of the players.

It would appear the Don does things differently. Let's just hope Rio doesn't invite him to a Manchester United party.

 

This is the tale of a love affair with a footballer called Jimmy Bullard, who today, decided to join Hull.

It all started last summer. There were rumours that Fulham's star man could make an exit from the Cottage - but thankfully they died down and supporters were able to continue their worship of the slightly strange looking midfield marvel.

Fulham's season was even going well. They were in the top half of the table, they had beaten Arsenal and were dreaming of a run in the FA Cup - and throughout all this - it was Jimmy Bullard who was at the centre of the revival. Even Fabio Capello recognised it by calling Bullard into the England team.

Then the January transfer window opened.

Now, if you support a club like Liverpool or Manchester United, the January window is nothing but fun. You see your club linked with the best players in the world and the window can bring only good things.

If you support a club like Fulham - the January window is a different story. Never mind Brazilians and bags of money - a Fulham fan is ecstatic just to hold on to a player called Jim who likes to play pranks on people. 

Things began to look precarious yesterday. The Sky Sports News ticker tape said Fulham had accepted a bid from Hull. Although seeing Bullard's name on the ticker tape made me lose my bearings and nearly collapse, the smelling salt that brought me back to consciousness was the word 'Hull'.

'Hull' I thought - this was a player who was being genuinely linked with the likes of Arsenal - and at one point Inter Milan (obviously that was bollocks), but my point being that I thought there was no chance Super Jim would leave for Hull.

Then this dark day dawned (which, interestingly enough, I read is statistically the most depressing day of the year) and the love affair was at an end. Bullard signed for Hull.

I tell you this tale, as I reminder. A reminder to consider those who choose to support slightly shitty teams; to remember that some people watch Sky Sports News with dread and that for some, there's no need for Brazilian's or £30m players to make them happy - for some, all it takes is a player with a name like Jim.

Regulars at Wimbledon would be choking on their strawberries if they could see the events that unfolded at the Australian Open today.

Boisterous Bosnian and Serbian fans entered into a bit of a slanging match during the game between Amer Delic and France's Paul-Henri Mathieu. The game was described as 'a circus' as ethnic chants were shouted, with Bosnian-born Delic the centre of attention.

The noise clearly affected both players' concentration, and it just makes you wonder what's happening to the game of tennis.

It's just not like it was in Timmy Henman's day. Although he retired only recently, those balmy summer evenings at Wimbledon seem so long ago. It was a politer time, a time when winning was considered rude and British people were under the impression Wimbledon finished at the semi-final stages.

If the words 'Hawk-eye' had been uttered around centre court, it would have been assumed that a plucky pigeon, causing a hilariously frightful scene, needed to be dealt with.

I'm not sure if they tried this when the trouble broke out in Melbourne, but at Wimbledon we find that a stern ripple of applause when the umpire reprimands the perpetrators works wonders. And if a mobile phone goes off, we take them round the back of court 14 and shoot them.

Delic is due to face Novak Djokovic - a Serb - in the next round. Commenting after the match he said: "I just hope the next match with Novak doesn't turn into a World War III". Let us hope not - but know this - it wouldn't have happened before that Andy Murray turned up on the scene.

Picture courtesy of Getty Images

"If you had put (Michael) Schumacher in a Minardi, it would have gone nowhere. If you put Kaka in this club, it is going nowhere."

These were the thoughts of QPR co-owner and Renault F1 boss Flavio Briatore, as he waded in on the Kaka saga yesterday.

This got me thinking, if Man City are a Minardi, what car would the other teams be?

Manchester City - Minardi F1
Minardi competed in the Formula One World Championship with little success, nevertheless acquiring a loyal following of fans. Sound familiar? The F1 team never achieved a podium finish in their history - although they did finish fourth a couple of times. The way things are going at City, a fourth place finish would be very nice.

Fulham - Amphibious car
Friendly Fulham - the team never takes itself too seriously, much like the amphibious car. Sometimes you just look in amazement and wonder how it stays afloat.

Liverpool - Kitt
David Hasselhoff's talking car was the flashiest thing on the road in the eighties. It had it all. The Turbo boost (Kenny Dalglish), the sleek finish (Ian Rush) and the voice (John Barnes). There's talk of Knight Rider making a comeback - we're yet to find out whether it makes a winning return or not.

Everton - Car on bricks
Everton simply don't go anywhere. Since their promotion to the top-flight in 1954, they haven't been relegated. Every season they have no chance of going down, neither do they look like doing much at the other end of the table. The Merseysiders proposed move to a new stadium was mooted in 1996 - that was twelve years ago and they're still nowhere near close to leaving Goodison Park.

Chelsea - Hummer (complete with under lighting, alloy wheels and furry dice)
To get where it wants it simply drives over anything in its way. It's the most bling car on the road and the exact thing you would buy if you had loads of money and little style.

Arsenal - Citroen DS
It had to be French didn't it? The DS was known for it futuristic, aerodynamic design, and use of innovative technology. Quite simply, beautiful.

Hull - Skoda
It has to be the most unglamorous car on the road. Yet, thanks to a great advertising campaign, the Czech made car has had a bit of a revival in recent years.

Manchester United - Ferrari F1
They're both red. They're both (sadly) the best teams around. Depending on who you listen too (ahem... Rafa) both teams are privy to preferential treatment. And finally, both produce a lot of noise (ahem... Sir Alex).

Tottenham - Cut and shut
It looks good on the outside - very flashy and rather expensive - but it just falls apart. While used-cars-salesman Harry Redknapp could convince anyone they were getting a good deal - don't be deceived. Here are a few things to look out for so you won't get conned: Dodgy centre-backs with persistent injuries, centre forwards missing the target and what looks like something that used to be a Bentley.

If your team were a car - what would they be? Leave your comments below.

Images courtesy of Getty Images

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger spoke out yesterday about the crazy money being thrown about by Manchester City.

As the one time economics student spelled out, the support of the fans is key, as clubs look to maintain their revenues in this difficult economic climate. He said: "It is true you keep fans loyal by buying big players, but you also keep your fans loyal if your club survives." He feels that if clubs continue to spend money they don't have, it'll come back to haunt them.

While it's nice to see one of the most influential people in football actually giving a damn about the fans, Wenger's theory on the various types of supporters gave an intriguing insight into modern football. 

These are the various 'types' Wenger sees coming to the Emirates:

The Client: A guy who pays one time to go to a big game and wants to be entertained, aged between 40 and 60.

The Spectator: A guy who comes to watch football, again aged between 40 and 60.

The Supporter: He supports his club and goes to as many games as he can.

The Fan: A guy between 15 and 25 years old who gives all his money to his club.

As Wenger says, you have to keep all these categories faithful - but which type are you? Click here for an Independent poll.

Jermaine Defoe returned to Tottenham today, just 12 months after leaving the north London club. Spurs chairman Daniel Levy has made some excuse about his contract not having long to run and that's why he sold him blah blah blah. But considering they sold him for £9m and bought him back for £15m, Tottenham must be kicking themselves. They should never have let him go.

This got me to thinking though, if you could bring any player back to your club after he was sold, who would it be?

As a Fulham fan, I've got my pick of the bunch. I became a season ticket holder just prior to Mohamed Al Fayed taking over and in the subsequent ten years or so, there's been more comings and goings than in Tesco's booze bargain aisle. But if I had to pick one, I would have to say Steed Malbranque who moved to Tottenham, and who now plays at Sunderland. He was the most consistent player at Fulham, it seemed like he set up at least one goal every match. Ex-PM Tony Blair even decribed him as a "really really good player - fantastic"!

Who would you have liked to see return to your club after he was sold?

At the start of 2008, who would have thought that Max Mosley would be caught spanking, Michael Vaughn would resign crying or that Sir Allen would say sorry for groping? The sporting world will undoubtedly throw up a few bizarre tales over the next 12 months, so following The Independent's look into the crystal ball, here are a few more predictions for the next 12 months:

1. Questions are asked when Danny Cipriani is spotted by the paparazzi walking onto a rugby pitch.

2. There is outrage during the Ashes when Andrew Flintoff is caught relieving himself into a certain urn.

3. Andy Murray's hard work in the weight's room is rewarded when he is approached to play the lead role in the sequel to The Incredible Hulk.

4. Struggling to earn a living from athletics, Dwain Chambers tries his hand at fly-fishing. With the monetary rewards poor and the price of gold increasing, Chambers is forced to sell his teeth.

5. Rio thinks it a good idea to 'Merc' Don Fabio, but the consequences are disastrous after the Manchester United star is found 'swimming with the fishes'.

6. Speculation that Alex Ferguson will announce his retirement is quashed when he signs a new contract that will see him in charge for another 52 years.

7. Lewis Hamilton wins a race but is later disqualified because, under new rules, all race winners must be driving a Ferrari.

8. A new fashion trend is kick-started when Cristiano Ronaldo appears for Manchester United in the FA Cup final wearing hot pants.

9. When the average man in the street is asked who Chris Hoy is, a look of perplexion crosses his face.

10. Tiger Woods loses all use of his legs. Despite this, he goes on to win every major Open.

Andy Murray has got 2009 off in style after easing past Roger Federer at the World Tennis Championship in Abu Dhabi today.

His win has seen his odds of lifting his first ever Grand Slam title this season drop to 2/1. He is now rated as joint second favourite to lift the Australian Open title behind the man he beat today - Roger Federer.

In the final of the World Tennis Championship he will meet World No 1Rafa Nadal, another good test of his standing among the world's best players.

But before everyone gets too carried away and starts suggesting Murray might win all four Slams this year (you can get odds of 250/1 if you're interested), bear in mind the Abu Dhabi tournament is an exhibition event.

This was made clear by the clunking watch that Roger Federer decided to wear - an idea dreamt up by his sponsors I imagine. It looked so heavy I'm amazed he lasted to the end of the match, so maybe we shouldn't be too suprised he was beaten by the raging Scotsman. I think he will go for a more light-weight time-piece when the real action gets under way.

Despite this, things are looking good for Murray in 2009 - but how far do you think he will progress in the Australian Open? Cast your bets below - but don't worry - the money isn't real.

 

It's the end of the year and this is the traditional time to review the highlights of the last 12 months. While I could harp on about Lewis Hamilton's triumphant season or try to think up something more original than comparing Usain Bolt to lightning - I think that would just be boring. 2008 may have been a golden year for sport but it is the daft, the unusual and the downright absurd that we revel in here - I bring you - The Alternative 2008 Sport Review( Read more... )( Read more... )